A note
by Casualtyprincess
Summary: Similar to the Ruth suicide episode, but this time its Zoe. As Zoe reads through her diary for the last time, Nick does the same. Will he realise what she's about to do and stop it? Or will he be to late?
1. Chapter 1

**Similar to the Ruth suicide episode, but Zoe is in her place. Please read and review as not sure whether to continue.**

Zoe put down her pen and looked to the gun next to it. She felt nothing. No fear, sadness, happiness just…emptiness. She looked down at the diary in front of her. Maybe one last read. She smiled to herself. As she read it, she knew Nick would be reading the copy she had left him on his bed. When he got to the end it would be too late.

_**I year ago**_

Zoe looked down at her top. Ruined. She laughed. It had certainly been an eventful day, and it wasn't even her first shift!

"Everyone, this is Zoe Hanna, our new consultant." Zoe smiled round at everyone, champagne in one hand.

"Cheers Tess. I'm going to need something to soak this up with. Anyone know a good breakfast?" a hand tapped her on the shoulder. She turned to face a handsome doctor. Oh yes, she thought to herself. I would.

"Hi, Zoe, I'm Adam" Adam held out his hand and they shook. "There's a great café nearby that I can show you, if you'd like?"

Before Zoe could reply, a nurse took Adam's hand. What was her name, Jess? There was obviously something going on between them anyway. Adam looked down at Jess, if that was her name, and then back at Zoe.

"I mean, we could show you?" No chance Zoe thought to herself. He is well and truly taken.

"That would be great, thanks." Zoe followed them out before realising she wasn't wearing any shoes. Telling the others she'd catch them up, she began to make her way back to resus to pick them up. Deep in her own thoughts, she didn't notice Sean until the last minute.

"Well hello, Dr. Hanna" Sean spoke softly before stepping closer until they were in touching distance.

"Hello Mr. Anderson" she wasn't going to back down. He leant down and kissed her, hard, before grabbing her bum and pulling him towards her. She responded just as roughly, shoving him into his office and leaning against the door.

"I think the wife might have to wait…" Sean said. Zoe laughed. They won't mind, she told herself. She'd only just met them, and besides, other things need to be attended to…

**Bit short I know but not sure whether to continue? Please review x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well happy New Years Eve to the lot of you! Here it is, chapter 2. This is Nick reaction to the last chapter.**

He couldn't understand why her diary had been on his bed in the first place. If she wanted him to know something, she should have just told him. Even though they were no longer together, he still cared for her. But there it was, lying on his bed. So he did the only thing he could. He sat down and began to read.

He found himself laughing as he read the first page. Just like Zoe. Get drunk and flirt with every male going. But when he got to the end, he frowned. Sean Anderson? He was sure that he was married to Jess, who was one of Zoe closest friends. Did she know they were married? She clearly knew he was married. Suddenly, a memory appeared. He had visited Sean's office that night, and Zoe had been there. He hadn't asked why at the time, just introduced himself. But what if he'd interrupted them while they were…it made him angry to think about it, though he wasn't sure why. Zoe and him hadn't been together at this point. If she wanted to play around with married men, that was entirely her choice.

He put the diary down. Could he read more? He still didn't know why it was there. He looked at it again, the paced up and down the room before he gave in to temptation and carried on.

_**Diary extract- 1 month later**_

Zoe looked at the row of tequila shots in front of her and took a deep breath.

"I will forever do your bidding if you do this." Jay said, edging closer, egging her on.

"Come on Zo, you can do it, just shut your eyes and go for it!" Jess shouted from along the bar. Zoe felt a swirl of guilt. Jess. Her closest friend. And her lover's wife. She knew she needed to tell her but then looked at Adam, who was holding Jess's hand. No, she thought. If she's messing around then I can do what I want with who I want. It failed to convince her though. She sighed.

"On the count of three…" Jay counted her in "1…2…3!" One after another she threw them back, the room full of shouts of encouragement. She raised her hand when she finished! "Good girl! Didn't think you had it in you!" Jay laughed as he paid her the £20. "Another round?"

The next day, Zoe walked in wearing her biggest sunglasses.

"Oh dear Dr. Hanna, hungover at work? And late as well I see. Its just not good enough." Nick Jordan strolled over to her.

"Sod off Nick, I'm not hungover I am ill." She snapped back. She was so not in the mood for him today, and they were going to fall out big time if he carried on like this.

"My office. Now." He walked off leaving her no choice but to follow. Suddenly she felt a hand on her waist. Sean.

"Sean, Jess could walk past at any minute…" She looked around in a panic to check no one was watching.

"I know. That's why we are going to be very quick." He winked at her and led her into the office. Just as she followed him in, she saw Kelsey appear round the corner. Shit. But she had no time to think about this. Sean brought her in a held her tightly. "I have a very important physical examination to carry out…" She giggled. To hell with Kelsey. She had a very sexy man who had no morals right in front of her. What more could she ask?

End of extract

Nick laughed. Just her kind of man he thought to himself. But Jess…he didn't think that Zoe would stoop so low. He knew Jess was with Adam but still… and he still couldn't work out why she had left the diary for him. Maybe she was leaving and wanted him to have something to remember her by. No. That wasn't Zoe's style at all. She'd want attention, fuss, presents, wine. He smiled to himself at the thought. Then he looked at the clock. Shit. He grabbed the diary and put it in his bag. He'd read it later.

**Will Nick be too late? Why does Zoe want to kill herself? Dun dun duuuun! Thanks for the reviews guys, update soon xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Et voila chapter 3! Hope you're enjoying it, all will become clear soon.**

Zoe turned the page. She wondered what Nick was doing. She wondered if he'd realised what was going on. She looked back at the gun. It was a dull, black, nothing special. Soon it wouldn't matter. Nothing would matter anymore.

_**Diary extract – 9 months ago **_

Zoe sat down. The bottle in her hand was half empty and numerous empty ones lay around her on the bed. She didn't know what time it was. She didn't care. Jess knew. Jess knew about Sean and her. Zoe knew that she didn't have any option but to tell the judge, but she wished with all her heart that she hadn't had to. Now she had lost her best friend, and probably ruined her home life. She smiled ruefully. She was on shift in an hour and had just drunk her way through most of her wine rack. What was happening to her? She dragged herself up and put her clothes on.

When she finally made it to work, she was an hour and half late. As soon as she walked in, the whispers started. She didn't care. The drink was beginning to wear off and she could feel a headache coming on. Suddenly she dived behind the desk. Jess had just appeared from behind a cubicle curtain and she really didn't need to have an argument right now. Slowly she crept round and into her office. But there was already someone in there.

"What do you think you're doing coming in here this late? Have you been drinking Dr. Hanna?!" Nick stood with his arms folded waiting for a response. "You have, I can smell the alcohol coming off you. I have a busy department, and I could really do without…" Zoe let his rant wash over her. She pulled out two tablets and washed them down with a swig of water. "I'm sorry Dr. Hanna, is my speech interfering with your hangover? You're a disgrace. You're on paperwork for the remainder of your shift." And with that he left.

Zoe put her head in her hands. She needed something. It wasn't a cigarette…she pulled open a drawer of her desk. The vodka stared at her. She sighed and picked it up. She was already drunk and all she was doing was paperwork, so a bit more wouldn't hurt, would it?

_**End of Extract**_

Nick sat back at his desk, shocked with what he had just read. He knew Zoe liked a drink, and he remembered their meeting in her office. He had been disgusted with her. She had reeked of booze and her top was buttoned up wrong. At the time, he couldn't work out what on earth had caused her to pull such a stunt. She got seriously drunk on nights out; she was one of the worst, but he had never seen her drunk on shift before then. Had she been after that meeting? He had to admit to himself. There had been more and more incidents like that from that day onward, and he had never stopped to ask why. A knock on the door woke him from his thoughts. He quickly stashed the diary away.

"Hi, Nick, I was just wondering if you'd seen Zoe?" It was Tess.

"No sorry. I think she called in sick?" Nick had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach but he wasn't sure why.

"Oh right, ok. Tell her I hope she's ok if she rings again." With that Tess left him to it. He couldn't shake this feeling. It was like something bad was going to happen, but he couldn't put his finger on whatever it was. He opened the diary and began to read.


	4. Chapter 4

**HAPPY 2013! Hope you all have a good one. 5 days til casualty continues! Here's chapter 4…..enjoy**

_**Diary extract- 6 months ago**_

Zoe looked over at the man lying next to her. She still couldn't believe it. Nick Jordan was hers. Nick Jordan had been hers for a whole 3 months. She sighed happily. Nothing could ruin this. Except…she was pregnant. Zoe Hanna. Mum. It made her feel sick thinking about it. She had managed to hide her drinking from Nick, but she knew she couldn't hide this from him. There was only one way to get out of it. She looked again at the beautiful man next to her. He smiled in his sleep, and stretched out an arm around her shoulders. There was no way she could get it done at a clinic – some way or another he would find out.

"I love you" she whispered in his ear. He stirred but didn't wake. A single tear rolled down her face, and she slowly got out of bed. As she looked down at him, she realised she was holding a vodka bottle, half empty. She had no idea how it had got there. She moved her gaze to where her left arm was resting on the small bump that was beginning to show. No. She had to do this. Now

_**End of extract**_

Nick slammed he book shut. Anger rose inside him like vomit and he retched. He remembered that day. He remembered Zoe, the love of his life, being rushed into hospital. She had been found in some street, collapsed, stinking of booze. She taken half a pack of paracetamol and washed it down with a six pack of beer and three bottles of wine. He couldn't work out why she had done it. No one could. He had sat for god knows how long, holding her hand, stroking her hair. Then Tess told him. She had been 12 weeks pregnant. Had she known? It was the first question he asked her. The look in her eyes said it all.

After that, he spoke as little as he could to her. He couldn't bear to look her in the eye. She had intentionally aborted her baby. Their baby. And the worst part was, he had had no idea it was happening.

And the drinking? He knew she liked a drink, but he didn't realise how serious it was. That it was a problem. Why hadn't she spoken about it with him? Why hadn't she spoken about it with anyone? Jess, or Adam or Tess…anyone. She could have got help.

Nick looked back at the small book. He needed to know why she had done what she did. He needed to get rid of the sick feeling inside his stomach. And the only way to do that was to carry on reading the diary. So that's what he did.

_**Diary extract – 5 months ago**_

Zoe took another swig from the bottle in her hand and lit a cigarette. She looked at herself in the mirror.

"You disgust me." She whispered at her reflection. The room was dark. She hadn't eaten for four days. She was a mess. And she was going back to work tomorrow.

When morning came, the first thing she did was root through the mess on her bed to find the bottle of wine. She drank half of it, gulping it down eagerly. There, that was better. She dressed and got into the car. Just another sip, she told herself. Just one more. She walked through the ED doors, past the concerned friends, past the whispering gossip, past Nick….she collapsed into her chair. Might as well finish the bottle, she thought to herself. Might as well…

**Well! Poor Zoe. When should Nick find out she's going to commit suicide? Any ideas welcome! Please keep reading and reviewing xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey, hope your all having a happy New Year. Nick and Zoe still aren't mine….thanks for the reviews, especially Minxheart (again!) love y'all xx**

Zoe picked up the gun. She weighed it experimentally in her hand. She surprised herself with the urgency she felt as she raised it to her head. Four more pages, she told herself. Then it won't hurt anymore.

_**Diary extract – Four months ago**_

She grabbed him desperately, furiously kissing him. He picked her up and lifted her onto the desk, his hands running all over her. She forced his kisses to her neck, moaning in pleasure. His kisses trail all the way down her neck, her breasts, her stomach…she pulled him back up and kissed him hard while unbuttoning his shirt. Suddenly, he pulled back.

"I can't do this." He stepped back from her, hastily buttoning his shirt back up.

"Nick? I don't understand. I thought…" she didn't know what she'd thought. That he'd take her back? That all would be forgiven? She walked towards him. "Nick…" she was pleading with him now.

"No, Zoe. I thought I could but I can't. I'm sorry." And with that, he left. She stood, perfectly still before collapsing in a sobbing heap. What was wrong with her? She took a swig from the bottle in her hand. She didn't even know what it was. She didn't care.

Zoe lay there until morning. As the light streamed through the curtains, she rolled over and felt something sharp dig into her. Standing up, she looked in horror at the knife on the floor. Then, feeling a dull ache, she looked down. Her arms had at least 5 deep cuts each. She didn't even remember doing it. She looked at them curiously before pressing hard on the deepest one. The pain was like nothing she'd ever felt, but somehow…it felt good. Like freedom. As she pressed on the cut, all her problems – Nick, the drink, Jess, Sean, the baby – seemed to disappear. She laughed and removed the pressure. The pain faded, and as it did, memories of last night came back. Watching Nick leave through her window, finishing the bottle she was holding, walking downstairs, picking up the knife…

**End of Extract**

Nick lay on his bed. He couldn't believe what he was reading. This was his fault. Zoe, beautiful confident Zoe, was cutting herself because of him. She was drinking because of him. And he hadn't seen it. No one had seen it. As he lay there, a sickening feeling rose inside him. What if she'd left the diary to…no. Zoe wasn't like that. She wouldn't give in. Not his Zoe. Except … she wasn't his Zoe anymore. In that moment he realised he wanted he back more than anything. That he could forgive anything. He was about to rush round to her house when he spotted the diary. She obviously wanted him to read it. He still didn't really understand why. He sighed. All he could do was read and find out.

Zoe clicked down the safety key on the gun and pressed it into the side of her temple. There were two more pages. One last entry. She smiled. Maybe Nick had already finished. Maybe he was driving round to her house as she sat there. That would be a nasty surprise when he walked in. But it was him. It had always been him. The baby, the drinking…and it wasn't as though she had friends. She pushed them all away. Jess wouldn't speak to her, Adam didn't understand her, Nick…well, Nick was Nick. She slowly turned the page. This was it. Now nothing would hurt. Nothing would matter. There would be nothing.

**Will Nick find Zoe? What will happen if she does? For those of you on twitter, please follow me casltyprncess xx please keep reviewing, not sure where this is going so any ideas welcome **


	6. Chapter 6

**4 days guys! Not sue whether to make this my last chapter or not, please tell me what you think xx love y'all! Xx**

_**Diary Extract – 1 day ago**_

Zoe looked down at what she had written. Her eyes scanned the page. There it was. It suddenly made the whole thing seem more real. Zoe Hanna. Suicidal. She read through it again. This time tomorrow, Nick would be doing the same. It hurt to think about him. She focused instead on what was written on the page.

_Well here it is. I'm not really sure what to say, except that I'm sorry, Nick. From the bottom of my heat I want to apologise for all the pain I caused you. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's faulty really, just one of those things. I want you to tell Jess that I'm sorry, truly sorry for what I did. At the beginning I really didn't know she was married. And then I saw her with Adam and I thought, why should she be happy? Because I was never happy. The only time in this last year I can say I was truly happy was the 3 months I spent with you. I messed that up didn't I?_

_Tell the others not to cry or anything stupid. I died drunk, tell them that. Tell them I died safe in the knowledge that I have worked and laughed with some of the best. And I had you. But it was me that messed it up. _

_If you find me, I don't want your help, you understand? I know you will anyway, but at least I said it. I'm crying now. You, Nick Jordan, have reduced the drink-loving-cold-hearted-party-animal to tears. Please know that when I die, I think of you and that makes me happy._

_All my love forever,_

_ Your Zoe xx_

_P.S I love you_

_**End of extract**_

Nick couldn't move. He couldn't think. He just looked at the three words at the bottom of the page. I love you. It was them that kick-started him into action. Still holding the diary, he leapt into his car a drove like a maniac until he reached Zoe's house.

"Zoe! Zoe, please don't do this. I love you! I LOVE YOU!" he was desperate now. He barged the door until it broke down, and climbed the stairs to her room two at a time. "Zoe! Please!"

She heard his voice and froze. No, Zoe, she thought to herself. Do it. Do it now. She squeezed the trigger as he an into the room.

"NO ZOE!" he ran at her as the gun went off. The bullet missed and hit her in the neck. She gasped as she felt the warm blood pouring down her neck.

"I love you" she whispered before closing her eyes. He shook her awake again as he rummaged for his phone.

"Zoe, don't you dare leave me. We'll sot all this out, hmm? It can be you and me against the world, Zoe Hanna, just don't do this to me. Not today." He found it and quickly dialled 999. "Ambulance. Hurry!" He gave her address and sat, cradling her until they arrived. "Please Zo, come on…"

**Keep going? Should Zoe die or not? Any ideas welcome, please keep reviewing! xx **


	7. Chapter 7

**Welcome back to my drama filled fanfic…hope you've had a great day! I've decided not to kill off Zoe for now, but who knows what might happen… Thank you for all the reviews, love y'all xx**

Nick rushed in behind Zoe on the stretcher, tears streaming down his face.

"I'm not leaving you Zoe, you hear me? I'm staying right here. Right here. Come on Zo, don't do this to me yeah?" Adam and Jess rushed in to resus as the rest of the team crowded outside. "Please, Zoe, don't leave me. Please…" Nick was beyond desperate.

"Kelsey? Can you take Mr. Jordan to Tess please and explain what has happened, then come straight back here, ok?" Adam began to work on stopping the bleed.

"Is she going to be ok Adam?" Jess whispered as Nick was led out. She looked down at the pale, deathly face of her friend.

"I don't know, Jess, I really don't know. I think we've managed to stop the bleed, but she's going to need to go up to theatre to get the bits of bullet removed." He looked at Zoe sadly. "I just can't understand why she would do something like this. I know the last few months had been tough, but I didn't realise she had got this bad. I should have done something."

"Adam, it's not your fault. None of us saw it happening. I just, well, I thought maybe she would leave a note? If it was one of mine I'd want to know why, you know? I want to know why she did it." The door swung shut quietly. They both turned to see who it was. Tess walked over to them with her arm around Nick's shoulder.

"Hi you two. How is she?" Tess sat Nick down in a chair nearby before joining them at Zoe's bedside.

"Well I think the bleed has stopped, but there's still fragments of bullet in there. She's going to have to go up to theatre. How's Nick? From the way he reacted, you'd think they were still together, but I thought that…" Adam broke off.

"Nick wanted me to read you all this. Its, well it's the last entry in her diary, but it also acts as a…"

"Suicide note." Jess finished for her. "Oh Zoe. I'm sorry." She whispered down to her friend. The doors opened and Big Mac came into take Zoe up to theatre. As he walked over, Nick did as well. He bent down and kissed Zoe gently on the head.

"It's going to be ok Zoe. Everything's going to be ok now." He looked at Tess. "Have you shown them yet?" Tess shook her head. "I don't want to be there when you read it ok? I'm going to go with Zoe." Tess nodded at Big Mac, Zoe was taken off to theatre, Nick at her side.

Tess, Adam and Jess walked through to the staff room.

"Well? How is she? What's happened?" Jay jumped up, and the others looked eagerly at the three of them.

"Jay, sit down. Zoe's going up to theatre now, but they aren't certain they're going to be able to save her. They are going to do they're very best." Jay sat down as Tess spoke, and Kelsey put her arm around him. "Um, there was one thing that Mr. Jordan wanted me to read out to you." Whispers went round the room at the mention of Nick's name. "I understand if some of you don't want to stay and hear it, but it's her note."

At this, Jay looked up. "It was definitely suicide then?" He lent back into Kelsey and put his head in his hands.

"I'm afraid so. So, if no one minds…?" Tess looked round the room. "Right, I'll read this then… Well here it is. I'm not really sure what to say, except that I'm sorry, Nick. From the bottom of my heart I want to apologise for all the pain I caused you." Tess stopped and swallowed, before shaking her head. Adam took the note from her.

"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault really, just one of those things. I want you to tell Jess that I'm sorry, truly sorry for what I did." Jess started at the sound of her name. "At the beginning I really didn't know she was married. And then I saw her with Adam and I thought, why should she be happy?" At this, Jess began to cry, her shoulders shaking. Tess put and arm around her. "Because I was never happy. The only time in this last year I can say I was truly happy was the 3 months I spent with you. I messed that up didn't I?" Adam paused and looked around the room before carrying on.

"Tell the others not to cry or anything stupid. I died drunk, tell them that." There were a few weak laughs at this. "Tell them I died safe in the knowledge that I have worked and laughed with some of the best. And I had you. But it was me that messed it up." Adam's voice broke as he held back the tears.

If you find me, I don't want your help, you understand? I know you will anyway, but at least I said it. I'm crying now. You, Nick Jordan, have reduced the drink-loving-cold-hearted-party-animal to tears. Please know that when I die, I think of you and that makes me happy.

All my love forever,

Your Zoe xx

P.S I love you

The room was silent. Jay spoke first.

"We love you Zoe."

**Phew, that was emotional! Sorry its mainly dialogue, but I wanted to get the others reactions. Hope you like it, update coming soon. Love y'all**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry it's been so long! Bit preoccupied with stuff and if I'm honest I forgot. Hope you enjoy it, bit of a fluffy one, but I think they deserve it! Still in shock from Nick's exit (sob) and the Tess and Fletch kiss! Wow. Please read and review, love y'all xx**

Nick stared down at Zoe's face. Her eyes were shut, and he smiled as he remembered waking up next to her, watching her sleep. She was beautiful when she was asleep. Her face was so calm, and her lips formed a faint smile. Even with no make-up, she was gorgeous. A strand of her dark hair fell across her face, and he pushed it back before lying his head down next to her.

"I love you, Zoe Hanna." Nick let a tear roll down his face. He had done this to her. He had forced her down this path, and he hadn't seen it coming. He would never forgive himself. But he knew that whatever happened, from now on he'd be there for her. As he stroked her hair, he felt her move.

"Zoe?" Her eyes slowly opened and she panicked when she realised where she was. "Zoe! It's ok, everything's going to be ok now."

"Nick, I'm sorry, I just-" Nick kissed her forehead and stroked her arm.

"Hey, you don't need to apologise. None of that matters yeah? I'm staying right here." She smiled up at him, and he bent down and kissed her, slowly. It was tender and loving, unlike the last time. Her hand weakly stroked his face as she smiled up at him.

"I love you, Zoe Hanna." Nick whispered in her ear. He surprised himself as he realised how much he meant it.

"I love you too." She turned to face him, and kissed him again, but stronger this time, like it was the last kiss either of them would ever have. Finally he pulled away.

"Is there anything you want from your house? I'll go pick it up if-"

"No. Stay, please." Zoe reached out and grabbed his arm. Nick sat back down.

"Of course I'll stay. Come on, you need to rest." He stroked her hair until she fell asleep. Then he rested his head on her stomach and shut his eyes. The rise and fall of her chest, and the steady beat of her heart rocked him to sleep. He would never leave her. He knew that now.

When Tess came to check on Zoe later, she found the pair of them fast asleep. She smiled as she gently shook Nick awake.

"Nick...Nick...come on, she's going to be fine. Let's get a coffee yeah?"

Nick nodded in agreement, stood and gently stroked Zoe's arm.

"I'll be back later ok?" And with that, he left Zoe sound asleep.

**Bit of a filler chapter, sorry! Felt a slush fest was needed, Zoe's had such a bad time of it recently! Not sure if I should stop here or carry on? What do we think? Read and review, love y'all xx**


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